Two trunks and finding myself
by PWeatherby
Summary: Percy gets lost, finds himself, and decides to go home.
1. Default Chapter

Authors Note: I don't own Percy, and I'm just leasing the rest, Seriously, JKR owns everything you recognize. This is my first Percy fic, be kind or at least constructive. Unbetaed.  
  
Two trunks, shrunk down of course. But still, my entire life to this point fits into two trunks. Don't get me wrong, slightly less than a year ago my entire world consisted of a single tent, the arena, 20 twenty work hardened men, the masters, and my herbs. Two trunks are vastly accumulative. I was never what you would call a pack rat.  
  
I once lived my life sparingly. At first, because I was a poor boy born into a large family, there was nothing to accumulate. By the time the toys came to me my two elder brothers had demolished whatever usefulness or value they had possessed. Books and clothing would remain in my hands only so long, to be passed down to the four born after me. I didn't resent it the way Ronald did; I learned very quickly that knowledge and praise were the only acquisitions that would stay solely in my possession. For years I lived that exact belief. However, past praise means little in the face of present accusations and disappointment. Knowledge can become mere opinion, at worst falsehood if scrutinized.  
  
So now I know better, or at least I can admit to my past mistakes and apologize for my no doubt impending future mistakes. I would like to believe the mistakes I made were honest; made in arrogance. I was a fool! I fooled myself into believing that holding onto nothing meant nothing was holding me back. That in gaining praise, knowledge, and authority I was finding myself. Truly a fool.  
  
I didn't find my self in the hogswart library. I didn't find myself in the ministry of magic. I certainly didn't find myself when I left the family. Hell, I didn't even find myself while spying for Dumbledor. Cliché-ly enough I found myself while I was lost.  
  
Lost in a forest, in Merlin only knows what country. Wandering with those 20 men that I later became so close to. Hungry and bruised, both in body and pride, I admitted to needing others. Their help and their kinship. I wasn't the only one to learn this lesson during those horrible weeks spent lost. Each of us was sent to learn what we needed to know most. I needed to realize who I was and what my limitations were.  
  
I ran away after the war. With only my rucksack, full of my ministry earnings and a change of cloths, I ran away. To get lost in a forest, and find myself. It was probable the smartest thing I had done to that date.  
  
I realized, after reconciling with my family, that I had become a recluse while working for the ministry and Dumbledor. That no one really knew me. That they were basing their reactions and relationships to me on my past actions; whether good or bad. How could I have expected more. How could I expect them to know what I did not, being- anything about myself. So I left.  
  
"Hey mister, for a few knuts I'll help ya load those yeah?" Startled out of thought, I turned to see a gangly young man, not to shabbily dressed but, looking a little down on his luck. Grinning I decided why not, I never did spend that rucksack of galleons. "Sure."  
  
Each of us lugged a trunk onto the loading platform and then into the baggage compartment. "That be everything then mister?" asked the youth, looking like he hoped it was. "Yes, thanks," I reply handing over a galleon and departing to my compartment. Thinking to my self, "everything I own, yes; everything I am, no." Feeling another grin coming to my lips, I plan on sleeping the entire trip to my parent's home. Twenty-six years old, a medi-wizard of sorts but with out title; and that is how I prefer it now. I am going home, this time for good.  
  
Dum dum dum... to be continued? Tell me what you think. 


	2. Coming home or leaving?

To anyone following, sorry it took so long but the computer broke and I just got internet today. So of course my first priority was to add a chapter. Here it is.

"Damn Snape, a walk in eastern Europe my ass." Uttered aloud it sounds ridiculous. But seven days peddling down every type of road imaginable will put you in that frame of mind. Sure no one made me leave, but my destination was due entirely to the suggestion of our most esteemed potions master. "Mr. Weasley," he said. "Perhaps these past few months of deception and your double life has done more harm than good." These words, coming from a man who had faced a much harder and harsher reality than I, were puzzling to say the least.

When late in the evening he even suggested time off to find myself, I was thrown farther for a loop. "A vacation perhaps might help you; a visit to the quiet country side might be exactly what your looking for." Was he suggesting I go stay at my Mothers house? It is certain that the Burrow is quite far off the beaten path, but who in their right mind would suggest it as a place to collect yourself. He couldn't mean my mother's home, even he knew how uncertain my welcome there would be.

One off hand comment at a celebration dinner hosted by the Hogwarts faculty and off I go haring about throughout the continent with out any clear idea of where I'm going or what I am looking for. Well, perhaps I sat on the idea for a few weeks.

The first week after the defeat of Voldemort I expected to be awkward. After all, I had spent last few years alienating myself from my family. First distancing myself by choice. Later, realizing I had been the one mistaken, distancing and alienating myself out of necessity. I couldn't tell my family I had made a mistake, that I had realized the truth behind what Dumbledore and Harry were saying.

Oh yes, the Ministry of Magic publicly (if not tardily) announced that Voldemort had risen; the real question was were they doing anything about it? The ministry, I came to find, was laden with Voldemort sympathizers, if not out right Deatheaters. For Merlin's sake Lucius Malfoy was a department head!

In the end it turned out Cornelius Fudge, the pureblood bigoted Minister himself was a sympathizer. The majority of upper ministry officials being pureblood themselves, felt secure in their positions. More and more they became willing to let Malfoy, and others like him, push through regulations, cause delays, and generally muck about my once beloved Ministry to their hearts content while they stood by and dreamt of the glory days of the Ministry. The days of their grandfathers; ended by muggle-borns and blood mingling. I couldn't stand aside and watch that happen, because in the long run I might gain favor doing so, others would suffer.

I couldn't justify it, the victims wouldn't be just random muggles. It would be old classmates, perhaps their parents, half-blood families whose only crime would have been to love someone different, and first and foremost "Muggle loving fools." Like my Father and to tell the truth my entire family.

There was too much good I could do. I went to Dumbledore. The order barely realizing the need for a spy. Sure, they had a number of members serving some function at the Ministry, but they would never see what I was privy to being the Minister's assistant. I had changed sides but became more reserved and distant. The letters I had once sent Ginny instantly ceased. The mingling at the Ministry parties I was never terribly good at, but still attempted, came to a complete halt. I instead became the most eager and helpful employee the Ministry had ever seen. I built myself up behind a wall ,storing all I had gleaned and made camp.

The Ministry took the bait. They bought into my act. Everyone did; the ministry, my family, and eventually myself. I lost what little I knew about my self in that act.

I figured it would take time, adjusting to the changes in my family and them to the changes in me. I don't think they believed Dumbledore's story of what happened at first. Believed that I really had changed my stripes and become a team player. Gradually Mum and Dad came to believe I had helped, after all who would want to believe their child and uncaring fool. A person more concerned with position than with people.

But my sibling swere a different story entirely. They had seen my full Percy persona in school and beyond, while my parents had only seen Head Boy Percy. Prefect Percy who tutored and looked after the other students while at the same tin maintaining perfect marks. Sure, I cared about my family, but I think they knew I had secretly measured how much they cost me and my ambition. I did what I thought would redeem me but n actuality had been the most painful mistake of my life, I had all but disowned my family.

In that first week I had to own up to what I had done. I could have told a lie, told them I was spying the entire time. Dumbledore I'm sure would have let me have that small lie. Dumbledore, unknown to most people, does not overly concern himself with the full details when the end result is to his liking. Dumbledore lives firmly in the belief that the ends justify the means. This all being as it was, Dumbledore being the only one who truly knew when I had become a spy, would have let me have it. But I had already lived to many years of lies. I wasn't going to waste my fresh start. I was naïve enough to believe I could fold right back into the flock and arrogant enough to believe I had earned that right.

That first week after Voldemort was defeated I was still alienated and alone, but worse still I was lonely.

The second week after the defeat of Voldemort was when Bill asked a question that forever changes my life. I was over at my parents for a family dinner, the idea being that proximity would make our family "whole" again. I wasn't under any allusions, the only disjointed member of the family was me. Sure, everyone at the table wasn't completely up to date with each others lives, but I was the largest gap. The person no one knew what to say to, the person no one knew what was going on with. And I only made it worse.

"So...Percy when do you plan to go back to work?" Bill asked me, I assume only to find a safe topic. I answered my first and last question that night with the vaguest reply I had probable ever given a question. "I'm not."

I probably could have and should have explained. When I went to work for Dumbledore I had given up any chance I had ever had at the Ministry. No one there would trust me again. I had spend months proving to my employer and coworkers that I was no longer a Weasley. Reconciling with my family just hours after the Voldemorts defeat under cut any credibility I had earned. Everyone would surely think I had just been playing games , and that was if they were feeling generous, at worst the would believe that that my reasons for abandoning my family had to do with the dark lord himself. I had no family while he lived, and as soon as his death is confirmed I go crawling back to them? No, no one is to know the true role I played in his down fall. I didn't see my family the rest of that second week. I stayed home. Trying to figure out what to do with myself. I had mapped out my life at the age of sixteen, the different paths I could take. At the age of twenty-one I had burned all my bridges, those roads were closed to me now. I was resigned to do as those before me had done, those of us foolish enough to be drawn in before we realized our mistake. I would go to Dumbledore.

Dumbledore however, was no more help to me than I was to myself. He was already employing more than his fair share of ex-spies. I didn't have one saving grace, the way Snape had potions. I was moderately skilled in all the subjects taught at Hogwarts. Even if I was the current professors didn't deserve to be replaced be cause I hadn't covered my ass. Oh, I was encouraged to hang around the castle and help with repair the damage from the war and set up for the new term, but lie everywhere else I had been there was no place for me here.

I remember the exact moment I decided to leave. I was assisting Madame Pompfrey in restocking the medical supplies, under the direct supervision of Professor Snape, when I realized I wasn't the first to have my entire life dissipate before my eyes. Snape had been through this at least twice.. I wonder how he made it even now thru the first war and it's after math. He never came out will his role as a spy. He spent years as the Deatheater who got away.

He, if anyone, would understand the dead-end my life was becoming. He looked up then as if he had been waiting to see that final shoe drop. He said only two word before he turned and walked away. "Eastern Europe."

The third week wasn't even a full week. I took only long enough to settle my affairs, put my belongings in storage, and leave my notice with the Ministry. I had only to tell my parents and I could be off. I chickened out, my letter explaining should reach them when I am well on my way over the channel.


	3. The Letter

Authors Note: well I had plenty of time today to write a chapter, as someone stole the wheels off my car. I just didn't want to get too angsty so I just wrote a little. Thank you so much for the reviews.

Dear Mum and Dad,

I don't really know how to say this, I never planned on leaving. I should be in France by the time this letter reaches you. I'm taking a vacation, of sorts. I need a little time to figure out what I'm going to do now that the war is over. I won't be going back to the ministry and I think you know why, Dad. My whole life I planned around being a ministry official, perhaps even working my way up to Minister. You never questioned that and so, neither did I. When I was little I had so many dreams; my dreaming of a Ministry position made you both so happy, I made it my goal. If we are all honest I'm not even suited for the Ministry. I would have made a better librarian a thousand times over than a good department head. It's my own fault really, I should have found something I love rather than something I was good at. Perhaps that is what I am doing, searching for something to give my heart to, or maybe I'm just on vacation. I haven't really figured that out. Another one of my faults, rushing headlong into something before I have figure which end is up. I was just so lonely and aimless, and when Snape finally gave me a destination I wanted so badly to understand that I just left. If you can understand that. I know I should have told you. I know I should have planned and repaired. But I have spent at least half of my life being responsible and careful. I've taken this chance and I'll live with the consequences. I just hope once more you will forgive me.

Love and all my regards, Percy

Molly Weasley was the kind of woman who had a fuse shorter than a fire cracker. So when she reached the end of the letter, her husband Arthur sat patiently waiting for the ka-boom. The ka-boom never came. Instead, a quiet shower of tears fell down her face as Arthur looked on. "Do you think that this is our fault, Arthur? Did we push too hard, conforming him to our own standards?" Molly questioned her husband. "Was he ever what he wanted to be, or just our perfect angel Percy because he thought he was making us happy?" Her body now shaking with sobs, she leaned into her husband. Rearranging himself in his chair, Arthur looked around the kitchen as if the homely setting or the stewing soup could give him the answers Molly wanted. "He was always different, Molly. He lived his life to please others, now maybe he will live life to please himself." Arthur sighed and felt tears welling up in his eyes also. Both sat quietly dwelling on reasons their recently returned son would leave again.

Arthur replayed memories of Percy's youth, trying and finding all the evidence he needed of Percy's unhappiness. I never saw it, Arthur told himself. He smiled as much as all the other children, but never as part of the group. He always stood a little to the side, as if afraid of intruding. No, only later. Percy was one of the happiest children he had ever had, until Charlie and Bill left. That was when Percy went from extrovert to introvert. Maybe Percy was better of leaving England to search out a future. Arthur smiled, fully sure Percy's vacation in time would take him through Romania and likely Egypt.

Molly thought of her perfect child. He was so happy when he was at home. As much as Molly tried she couldn't think of a possible reason why Percy couldn't just move home and go back to work for the Ministry. His letter sounded unhappy, Molly argued with herself. He couldn't write those things and not be at least a little unhappy. Molly also thought of all the smiles she had seen on Percy's face. None of those smiles were faked. Unhappy or not Percy hadn't left after Hogwarts like his brothers did, why would he leave now? Molly thought over his letter again and spotted something she hadn't notice in her haste. _Snape suggested_? What exactly had Snape suggested? That the Weasleys couldn't handle Percy's problem, that Molly and Arthur weren't good parents for not noticing? Well, damned if she wasn't going to find out. Percy might not be here but Snape would have hell to pay for his answers.

Making up here mind, Molly stood up and readied herself to apperate. Startled out of thought, Arthur stared on as Molly verbalized her intentions." Damn that man, of all the nerve..." Molly raged. "Calm down my dear, damn who?" Arthur asked clearly confused. "Snape," answered Molly. "He suggested Percy leave, it's in the letter. I only just noticed." "And what do you think he suggested," Molly asked as her voice tightened and her volume increased. "He told him to leave us, he didn't warn us, he didn't let anyone know. He just saw a problem and told Percy to run away from it. What the hell kind of professor is he?" With a pop, seconds later she was gone, leaving Arthur pretty sure of her destination and extremely glad he wasn't Severus Snape. The ka-boom was yet to come.


End file.
